Well the good Lord has had his hand on me today to such a degree that I have not picked up an addictive bite of food in more than 24 hours. This felt easy on meal number one, and then hard, really hard.
Yesterday I was full of hope and had a settled heart of conviction that this was what I needed to commit myself to. And I liked the feeling of being settled and committed.
Today I didn’t. Today felt different. I didn’t feel near to God. I felt tired and heavy, just an emotional heaviness settling on to me. Where my heart had a peaceful settling yesterday, today felt like a monumental weight landed upon it. Now as I’m writing that, I’m wondering if it is the weight of my cross? Jesus told me to pick up my cross and follow Him. I was ok with laying down other forms of spiritual practices, laying down my right to relate romantically, laying down my career prospects, my money, my heart, my mind- everything felt hard but not impossible to give to God.
But my plate? My bowls? Or more importantly, what was in them and on them… My fork and what was on the end of it? Uh uh. No way. It’s like I thought somehow the bottom of the bowl was the bottom of the rainbow, and some kind of substance of deep value was going to fill me if I just kept eating. I didn’t want to give them to God, not really.
I also know I love my sin. I love eating when I get the chance to take a break from life or just have unstructured time. I don’t even have to think about what to do next, my brain and body carry me straight to the kitchen. Eating is such an enjoyable and tactile experience full of flavors and distraction, and it has an immediate effect on my disposition. I like it so much it’s pretty hard to stop me once I’ve started, but only if no one is watching.
Facing loneliness, or uncertainty, or desire for something amorphous I cannot grasp, is not something I often did without food. Now I could certainly face those things with food. Snacks are a great copilot, ask anyone who has road-tripped! But to be honest with you, they have been leaving me feeling like an empty bowl. Even if I fill myself to overflowing with food, at the end of a binge, I still feel empty. I want God and His love in that empty place inside. He’s the only truly satisfying thing that can fill.
And here’s the other thing- I truly have tasted and seen that the Lord is GOOD. So so so good. I love Him and I know He loves me, though I wish I could hook myself up to an IV of his love so it would constantly be flowing through me. He is the living water and He really does satisfy. The problem is, I don’t always act like I know that and so I still search for satisfaction in a couple more bites.
But by His grace alone- by the mighty power of my lord and savior Jesus Christ, I’m abstinent today. Lord please make it last and give me the strength to make it through the rest of the day.
Also my stats today: 164.6 lbs and 5’3
I prayed before I got on the scale that the number wouldn’t wreck my whole heart for the day and the Lord held me fast in that. He’s also been showing me that finding my identity in weight loss success, or a specific program, or in abstinence itself will never work. I have to settle in my heart that it’s Him and Him alone that I find my meaning, identity, purpose, value, worth, and love in. If I try to find it in perfecting my body or even having the perfect food plan, I will lose my peace and contentment that comes from resting and relying on Him.
“Only in returning to me and resting in me will you be saved. In quietness and confidence is your strength.”
Isaiah 30:15
Thank you, Lord, for the grace to do this. One day to me is huge. I love you, Jesus.
To you be the glory, forever.
Rainbow Love Warrior 