Oh sweet freedom.
If I sit with that word long enough, tears of gratitude come to my eyes.
Gratitude that one could only feel if they had been caged. And I was.
Freedom has become my number one aspiration, my prayer, and my wish. To be lifted and liberated from my own bondage, and the bondage I allowed others to place on me, free of limitations, open to the blank canvas of my life, wind in my hair and sun on my back.
I have it. I am it. Ahhh.
I can only laugh when I look back and see the things I put myself through in the pursuit of freedom… none of which delivered it to me.
- Job loss.
- Moving in with my momma.
- Eating disorder relapse.
- Buying into other people’s bullshit about God.
- Hours of therapy that dragged me deeper into pain.
- Treatment Centers.
- Sweet Lodge Ceremonies.
- A Psychedelic Experience.
Need I go on?
The point is, none of that stuff brought me my answer. But each did lead to greater clarity of what I wanted. You want to know what did give me my answer? JOY. GRATITUDE. APPRECIATION. Recognition of how good life already is. Learning that this is an emotional journey and I am the captain. No one and nothing controls how I feel, or what happens to me. Not even God. I create my reality. And so do you.
In a twisted way, I am proud of that list, the same way we show off our scars. Look at my suffering! I am so hardcore. I’ve LIVED. As if now I have been seasoned, turned real like the Velveteen rabbit. What I do know is that I have been through some real shit, but we all have. I didn’t need to suffer, but I thought I did. I now have a full understanding of the infinite potential that flows through us as human beings. It was there ALL ALONG. But I suppose the trials and tribulations have contributed to the unshakeable trust that I have in this universe and in myself.
And I have a freedom and strength that I have never known. So thank you for it all.
The power and freedom has always been mine, but I forked over fractions of it to the opinions of others, toxic relationships, outdated belief systems, and the pursuit of other nonsense. This year, I got really clear and quiet about what I wanted. My children spent two weeks in New York at the end of 2016, and I was alone in Indiana, on the cusp of turning 30 and ending my marriage.
It was time to say ok soul, what do YOU want? And give myself an opening of quiet time, creativity, and contemplation. Every time I have ever done that, miracles followed. I would recommend it, daily!
Springing forward into the unknown with complete abandon, silencing the voices of the world long enough to converse with my heart, and then continuously moving in the direction of my own guidance system, my inner being, was the answer. I am getting pretty damn good at practicing it, too.
Something miraculous happens when we let the larger part of us lead. Even if it is done imperfectly with big gaps of time where our fear takes the reigns back, it has a massive, pivotal effect on life as we know it. You just cannot stop the momentum of freedom once it starts. Even if you fail, that’s what grace is for. Lifting you back to your feet, and you stand a bit taller each time you rise.
I experienced a year of what I would describe as the DARK NIGHT OF THE SOUL. Dun dun DUN! It’s ok though, really, because I was just getting what I asked for. This is how twisted it can be to be a seeker. I read Marianne Williamson, Thomas Moore, Saint John of the Cross, and many other amazing spiritual teachers and somehow came to the conjecture that anyone with any real clout has had seriously dark times in their life. In order to rise into my identity as a healer, I needed to face and conquer all of my own darkness and demons. Riiiiiiight. But I thought so! And my 10+ years of alcoholism and bulimia, past trauma of abortion and rape, and series of issues with men and the law were simply not a good enough pain story.
I needed to travel the the shadow of my psyche. I said “Universe, SHOW ME MORE PAIN! Give it to me, please. It Is how I want to learn!”
Shit needed to get really dark. I am smiling and shaking my head as I write this, because it really didn’t need to, I just thought it did. My being had yet to experience the roar of joy. But we will get to that…
And so it got dark. Holy hell it did. I now believe that we create our own reality. And I had created hell. Complete and total hell. But don’t worry… the universe has a predominant stream of wellbeing, not illness, so plenty of light got in even in my dark night of the soul. It was not all pain and suffering.
Here’s what happened; I thought that I needed to dive deep into the realest rawest trauma of my life, dissect it and discover repressed memories, and find the taproot of all of my problems and pull it out at the very basis of its existence. Essentially I was looking for a soul lobotomy. I could not stop torturing myself, because I really could not see that that was what I was doing. It was all in the name of HEALING, for crying out loud! And it was because in my mind there was always some self work to be done, so many stones left unturned, some new fears and childhood pains to discover, some problem with WHO I WAS. You can see now that that was a bunch of boloney.
So I went to therapist after therapist, healing modality after healing modality, searching like a nomad for a quality that was free and abundant within my OWN heart!!! Do you hear this people?! FREE AND ABUNDANT. Found conveniently WITHIN YOU!
I was getting so close to sniffing it out… but I couldn’t see it until it was all I could see.
Now I look back at all of this with a smile. I got my lobotomy! I got my healing miracle. But it was up to me to actually allow myself to feel joy. Allow in the wellbeing that had been given me the first time I asked for it! Ask and it is given, but its up to me to let it IN!
I now have clarity. Nothing was wrong, I was just looking in the wrong direction. I was looking for my inner being in my past, but that’s not where she lives. She lives in a state of appreciation for what is and a state of eagerness for what’s to come. The dark night was simply my own disconnection from her. Much like Tekah on the children’s movie Moana, when she is the nasty fiery volcano until Moana plugs her heart back in, and she turns into the plush green Mother Goddess Tefiti. That’s just like me. I have my heart and my freedom back, but they were only stolen by bondage that I unknowingly chose.
We are so free that we can choose bondage! Isn’t that incredible? Trapped in our own stories, we feel powerless to escape. I felt such despair that I self destructed with food. Some people deal with negative emotions by lashing out at others and some lash out at themselves- I was the latter of the two. I couldn’t deal with the feeling that I was in the wrong life, disconnected from my purpose, passion, and freedom, so I sabotaged my health through the form of bingeing and purging.
But the stream of wellbeing is SO STRONG. I want you to get that. Write that shit down. I don’t care what you believe yourself to be sick with, wellbeing is dominant. You can heal yourself from ANYTHING. All of it begins in your mind! Once you enter the place where all is possible, and you see yourself through the eyes of your inner being, life turns upside down in the BEST WAY.
Even I could not take myself down. And I now know that if I had, I would have returned to pure positive energy, joining back with love which is where I came from. But I don’t have to die to get back to that stream. It is available NOW.
I had some very intense moments of suicidal thoughts. I now understand that every thought that has ever been thought still exists in mass consciousness, so whatever emotional disc I am on, that is the vibration I am emitting and the universe responds by bringing like thoughts. Hence the reason that when you feel powerless and desperate, you often think of dying. It’s the law of attraction at work!
On the contrary, now I have some very intense thoughts and feelings of happiness! When you feel free and powerful and creative and tuned in, tapped in, turned on by life, you feel a flow of joyful invincibility so great that you know without a shadow of a doubt that all is well. You are on a high flying disc of joy and appreciation and abundance and clarity, and so the universe brings you blissful thoughts and inspired ideas and basically everything you ever wanted, piece by piece. When you realize that you have the power to influence and change your emotional state, well then, shit gets REALLY fun. You get to plan a retreat to Costa Rica with amazing people, an amazing man comes into your life who wants to be with you, and every day unfolds with its own brand of magic.
Do you want to know what life is like for me now? Ok, I will tell you. Every day, I wake up and appreciate where I am and I am eager for where I am going. All darkness has fallen behind me, and I do not fear it coming back because if it does, I am equipped with the tools to put myself back on the high flying disc.
The light is turned on, baby.
And because I live predominantly on that zooming disc, I get to play with other creators who are having fun molding the clay of their lives. I see possibilities that I never before could see. I spend a lot of time enjoying my health, my beautiful body, and my sense of freedom by moving and playing in nature. I give and receive love like never before. I uplift those around me just by being me. I have stepped into my calling and it keeps evolving and expanding. In my heart of hearts I know I am a teacher and a coach of all I have learned and continue to learn. I teach people about THEIR inner teacher, I show them how to close the gap between their physically focused self and the larger part of them which has access to ALL OF THE WISDOM that ever has been. I have an amazing relationship with the man of my dreams! My children are happy and healthy and stronger than ever. People often tell me that they are inspired by me, that I am a great teacher, and that I am the most positive and optimistic person they know. This is why I have to smile. Because it hasn’t always been this way, but I am so glad this is how it is now. I stand in my greatness. I bask in it. That’s not arrogant, that’s the truth of who I am. AND of who you are.
So I am writing my first book. I am spreading this inner knowing like wildfire because its who I am now. Freedom and inspiration and clarity and power are YOURS for the taking. It’s natural to feel good and when we don’t, we have simply pinched ourselves off from the stream of wellbeing. It’s time to open those valves, baby. You can have a life of loving relationships, fulfilled by passion and joy, and drenched in abundance. Your body and mind can be restored to health completely. You can find your creativity and curiosity and playfulness. You can be happy.
And the good news is, it doesn’t take painful work. This new work is joyful and expansive. It makes you feel better than ever before. Best of all, it will make you FREE. The captain of your ship. You are the writer of your story, the architect of your life, the molder of the clay.
If you want to roll up your sleeves and get dirty, get in touch with me. I have no doubt that if this works for me, it will work for anyone. You just have to have an open mind and an open heart. You have the menu of life laid out in front of you. You can choose joy.
Shortly before I experienced my breakthrough to freedom, I dreamed of myself In a ship that had crashed on the ragged rocks in a storm, and I felt stuck and powerless. A gentle, loving force visited me and pointed the direction to freedom and peace- and I could see that the waters were clear and blue and the sky in that direction was painted in a beautiful sunset. I managed to free my boat and begin sailing in the direction of the beauty. The ship has become a metaphor, and my soul has turned into a fleet of powerful ships. Summoning the strength and wisdom and power of the universe, I am sailing forward towards beauty, freedom, creativity, and love. I never have to look back now.
Onward, always. That’s where our inner being is waiting for us.